OK, that's not actually true.

I just wanted to use a line from the most quotable movie of all time.

Besides, it's not called Swim Club, it's called Swim Fit. Confused?

Sorry, I'll start again.

I've joined a swim club, called Swim Fit, and it's quite unlike Fight Club, the movie, which I can talk about.

Although paradoxically it's quite like the film, in that it's not at all what I expected (and the trainer has some of Tyler Durden's inherent cruelties, but never mind that).

I'm not sure what I was expecting.

Perhaps that I'd immediately dart up and down the pool in a speedy yet graceful manner.

After all, there was that time I came second at the school swimming carnival.

You'd think all that latent aquatic ability could still be tapped, decades later.

Apparently not.

Let's just say no one's talking about the 2012 Olympics just yet.

Unless I can try out for the 100metre ``splash, gasp and gurgle''.

Then there's my technique problems.

Not least of all the technique of knowing when you're approaching the end of the pool.

Not swimming into the concrete wall can be a challenge when you're trying to get there really fast.

How hard could it be to write a warning message on the bottom?

In fact, why not have short motivational messages at intervals along the entire lane?

Things such as ``you're a champion'', ``keep it up'', and ``stop now before you smack your silly head''.

My technique is improving, though.

The whole arms/breath/legs sequence is harder than it looks.

Particularly when every fibre of your being tells you to move your arms and legs at the same time.

Perhaps I'd be better joining the kids' swimming lessons.

If only someone were to say ``That's it. Good girl!''

Ah well, at least in the water no one can see your tears.